When you love
someone, it can mean giving up something for that person. It can even mean
giving up a chance for a relationship with them so they can be safe and happy.
In high school,
I dated a guy who clearly had feelings for me. Strong feelings, which I
definitely returned. We were very on-again, off-again, and the off times were
always his choice. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me. He cared so much
that he wanted to protect me from anything potentially harmful, and that
included himself. I was a virgin and afraid of physical contact; he’d been
sexually active since elementary school. I didn’t smoke, drink, or anything
else; he used pot and sometimes other drugs. He’d led a damaging life, and the
last thing he wanted was to damage me. So he pushed me away despite his
feelings. I didn’t understand until years afterward why he’d done it. We’re
still friends, even though it’s been twenty-five years. That might not have
happened if he hadn’t been adamant about giving up a relationship with me.
There’s a
saying, “If you love someone, set them free; if they come back to you, they’re
yours. If they don’t, they never were.” That doesn’t always hold true. With my
friend, he loved me enough to not only set me free, but to make sure I stayed
that way. At least free of the demons that filled his own life.
On the other
hand, sometimes loving someone means being with them despite the risk. I knew
what was going on in my friend’s life, but I wanted to be with him. I loved
him, and he was good to me. I wasn’t assertive enough to tell him that his
past—and present—didn’t matter to me, that I loved him regardless. I sometimes
regret that.
In my new novel Lost Soul, motivational speaker Joel
Turcotte has a secret. He’s a sorcerer, and his magic is fueled by pieces of human
soul that he takes during sex. He isn’t the only “soul sorcerer,” as he calls
himself and his kind, but he’s probably the most cautious. Ten years ago, Joel
accidentally killed his lover by taking too much of the other man’s soul. Now
Joel sticks to one-night stands, never sleeping with or taking soul slivers
from the same human twice. When he meets Lanny Hollister, the attraction
between them is immediate and terrifying. Joel can’t risk falling in love
again, because he might harm another lover. He tries to fight his desire for
Lanny and to push Lanny away. He’s willing to give up the first man he’s loved
in a decade to keep the man safe.
And Lanny isn’t
having it. Even after Joel explains the risk, Lanny still wants to pursue a
relationship with the man. He believes Joel can refine his control of how much
soul he takes, and maybe even control whether he takes any at all. He’s willing
to take the risk so he can be with the man he loves.
Which of them
wins? You’ll have to read the book to find out. Lost Soul releases today, May 4, from MLR Press, www.mlrpress.com.
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