Monday, April 4, 2011

Update on Scary shit

As stated in my post on friday Horrorwritingdaddy went to his friends house. It was a good visit, my brand new Neice is adorable and I got to hold her. She smiled, which probably just meant she had to shit, which makes a lot of sense because she did take a nice stinkless new baby shit in my arms. I didn't change the diaper; new dad needs the practice.
After a couple hours of hearing about the baby from new dad I eventually had to smack him in the face and force him to change the subject. For the love of god, the kid was five days old at this point. How much could she possably have done?
Stupid new parents.
Eventually I got him to talk about some other stuff, and we chatted about a planned expansion to his home, his dog Sarah which really needs to be broken of her jumping habit, and who had visited and brought gifts ( I, of course, came bearing diapers and wipes and Butt Paste and new outfits) and who was a complete douche and wasn't participating in their joy.
And then it happened.
"Hey, not that I'm pissed or anything," Mike said between overly loud sips of coffee, "But I was kinda wondering why you would leave on every sngle light in my house."
Mike was refering to Monday when I came over to feed the dogs and let them outside to "make" while he and his wife were off squeezing a 6 pound 14 ounce baby out of her vagina. Kinda gives you the visual of her as a tube of toothpaste, doesn't it?
"What are you talking about?" I asked.
"When I came home monday night all the lights were on." Mike said.
"I left the radio on for the dogs, the standing light in the living room and the kitchen light." I finished the weak coffee in my mug and got up to make another pot. Mike is a nice guy but his coffee making skills suck.
"My neighbor said he saw you turning the lights on." Mike got busy following me around the kitchen cleaning up after me.
"Who, Walter?" I asked. I paused and counted out a dozen scoops of coffee, then added a pinch of salt. It cuts the bitterness in the coffee. Try it.
"Yeah." Mike moved the salt shaker three inches to the right.
"He couldn't have seen shit." I came back from the stove and added the water. "He wasn't home yet."
"Yeah he was, he said he saw your truck here and someone walking around turning the lights on. He watched the light go on in the nursery and waved to you. He said you waved back."
I immediatly got gooseflesh.
"Walter wasn't home. I got here at five thirty, maybe five forty. I brought Lisa's car." I took my seat, my knees suddenly deciding they didn't want to hold me up any more. "She got home a little after five and I ate dinner real quick and headed down here. Walter is never home before seven."
"So who's truck was here?" Mike asked. He sat down too, a little too heavily. He spilled some sugar and then, grateful for the distraction, set about cleaning it up.
"I have no fucking idea." I really wanted that coffee to hurry up now. And if it could somehow magically change into bourbon that would be fan-fucking-tastic. "Lisa parked behind me so I had to bring her car. I was here well before six and got home before six thirty. I don't kow who Walter was waving at, but it sure as shit wasn't me."
"And you didn't turn the lights on?" Mike tossed some sugar into the garbage can. "Your not fucking with me, right?"
"Dude, I swear to Christ I only left the kitchen light and the living room light on. Not the overhead fan, just the pole light."
"And you didn't wave to Walter?"
"Nope." I said. "I never saw him. I almost walked over there and knocked on the door to let them know Carolyn was having the baby, but I didn't see his truck and knew he wouldn't be home for awhile. I don't know his wife enough to bother her, I didn't want to scare her."
Thats when I told Mike about all the shit that happened when I was over feeding the dogs. Good thing he was sittign, it didn't look like he would have ben able to stand up if he needed to.
"Seriously, this is a really bad time to be messing with me." Mike finsihed the tiny bit of coffee in his mug and leaned over to pour a new one. I followed suit.
"You know I wouldn't fuck around like that, not with the new baby and everything." I was whispering because his wife was in the other room and I didn't want to make her nervouse.
"Well, let's hope John was turning on the lights to be helpful." He added sugar and cream to his coffee and drank as much as he could in a single swallow. "I'm sure it's nothing."
"Yeah, me too." I lied.
I only left on two lights, one for the dogs and one for him when he came in through the kitchen door. I did not put on any lights up stairs. I did not leave on any basement lights. I did not put on the dining room or bathroom lights. Hell, even the porch light was on out front. I know he never uses the front door, most of my friends prefer the back door. Hahaha. Seriously, he parks in the driveway and comes in through the kitchen, so why bother with the porch lights. Also I own my house and pay my bills, as my buddy does, so I wouldn't  rack up his electric bill for no good reason.
Looks like John was busy.
Despite my suggestions his wife was brought into the room and I had to tell her about everything that happened on monday.
She wasn't too upset by it, she thinks its cool. And the good news is now that she is going to be staying home with the baby she is starting a journal. She is going to keep track of every little thing. I won't recant any of the small shit, but the good stuff... you all will get that. Promise.
Now I am off to finally watch the new "I Spit on your Grave." It better not suck.

1 comment:

  1. Nick,

    Great stuff; kinda eerie, but I look forward to MORE. More writting, more stories......more ink (hehehe). Seriously it's like your sitting on the porch as I fight off your sexual advances; interupting you whispering, "not in front of the kids"