Saturday, June 6, 2015

Guest Post: Scarlet Darkwood

Today I don't just claim some kind of internet friendship with my guest blogger. I can say I actually got to meet Scarlet in person and got to spend some time talking with her about all things Booktrope, our wonderful Imprint Manager Bethany Halle, and the Edge and Entice line our publisher has out. We spoke a lot about erotica and the publishing world one hot afternoon in late May. It was a wonderful time and I got to make new friend, which doesn't happen very often. So now you can sit back, kick up your feet, and enjoy some of her words. I give you Scarlet Darkwood.

Men, Women, And The Circles Of Sex Or Celibacy

I once had a nurse practitioner comment that sex was better with friends. Really? The thought had never occurred to me, but as I stepped into the world of sexual activity, I saw it could make sense--if you knew the boundaries and what you expected. Probably what the nurse really meant was that sex between two friends equaled a safer experience psychologically, one where no one would end up with a broken heart.

What’s interesting about this is that my first time was with a gentleman I’d been friends with for three years before we actually took the step into the bedroom, and it seemed to have happened out of the blue. Never had we discussed sex during our friendship. We really didn’t even date on a regular basis, but somehow got together and attended plays or the occasional concert; we also worked at the same place, but
different departments. One night on the way to a play, he blurted out, “I wonder what it would be like to sleep with you?” It was like our hormones had been raging at the same time.

And that was it. When we got back to my place, it happened. We never saw each other again. His departure didn’t make me feel bad or cheap. I knew what I wanted, and that was an initiation into sex by someone safe, one who wouldn’t degrade me. I knew where we stood, and the role he played for me. Years later, I still have no regrets with him being the first. We were just friends, we came together one time, and that was it. Fine with me--and obviously with him too. But remember, there were three years of no sexual activity. And to be honest, I never felt the drive to do anything more with him. Enjoying simple companionship was enough for us.

When asked in a group, men and women will all agree that two people of the opposite gender can be just friends, but get those individuals apart, you might hear different stories. As a female, I say that it’s more than possible that men and women can be just friends, while my spouse gives an emphatic no. The reason for this, he says, is because men think about sex. But he offered another suggestion: it might be possible to be just friends once people are in their fifty’s or older.

Can’t disagree with my spouse where age is concerned. I would venture to say younger people, who’s bodies are running hot, probably find sex more important than older people. Appearance may play a big role, to some degree, but there are men who break
down if they’re desperate enough. So what makes a man and woman just friends? Is it age, lack of libido, no chemistry?

A lady I know admitted to me one time that she and her spouse had gone for years without sex, and for some unknown reason, didn’t seem driven by urges, nor compelled to get the sexy spark back. When asked about what happened, she stated that age, fatigue, and difficulty with joint stiffness definitely played a part. Libido didn’t run high anymore as they settled into more mature phases of life. It had been like the sex had dropped off little by little like a slow leak, until she woke up and realized that she and her spouse hadn’t been together in ages.

But she told me something interesting. Their marriage was just as solid and strong, with neither feeling like they were lacking or being denied. They talked about it at times, just to check in with each other. According to her, she and her mate enjoyed traveling, talking, and basically spending time together--all without the trappings of sex. To her sex did not a marriage make, but the enjoyment of each other to the exclusion of others did. She’d discovered she’d rather be with her mate than anyone else, and he felt the same.

They also communicated well with each other, talked out their differences, discussed odd and unusual topics, sometimes drifting into what others would consider eyebrow-raising conversations. Sex had become the least important, with other considerations taking center stage. The best part, they were more than comfortable with their lifestyle.

As far as what compels the decision to leave out sex in a relationship and still hang together, that answer could be multi-faceted, with many possibilities. Individuality, personal preferences, situations, and needs play a part too. And don’t forget religion, which can muddy the waters for some people. The most important thing to consider, whichever path you take in a relationship, don’t bind yourselves to expectations and rules. This can lead to sure disaster if someone doesn’t hold up their end of the bargain. The happiest friends, spouses, boyfriends, or girlfriends are those who go with the flow, enjoy the relationship, and the fun and security it offers.

So the answer to the question, “can men and women just be friends,” I’d say yes.

***Scarlet Darkwood is an author of erotica, romance, paranormal, horror, gothic, thriller.

You can connect with her here:

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