Not everyone gets a fucking trophy

They don't call me Horrorwritingdaddy for nothing.
Yes, I do write horror novels and short stories
Yes, I am a daddy. I have three boys ages 13, 11, and 6. That's 30 years of experience in child rearing. And don't get all pissed off, I don't mean I rear my children. I wouldn't mind it if my wife would let me rear her every once in awhile, not that I really dig anal sex (but of course I do) it would just be nice if I could be a pain in her ass for awhile, you know what I mean?
Anyway, I have kids. I've had kids longer than all of my friends with the exception of my buddy Billy, but he's a FORD RACING fan, so he don't count. And he only has me beaten by one year and one kid, so it's pretty close.
Now that I am getting closer to the age where respectable people have children I find many of my other friends having kids. There is an interesting transition going on because of this: I was always the fuck-up. I had too many jobs, I had kids too young, I got involved with my wife when we were too young, I bought my house when I was too young. Blah blah fuckity blah. Chris is stupid, I get it.
But now all the things that I did wrong, too young, too early, too stupid or whatever are the things my friends are doing now. They are getting married (been there for twelve years) having kids (been there for thirteen years) and buying houses (been there for eight years). So who do they call for help continuously?
Someone they look up to and respect, of course. But that person usually isn't home because he is out doing something respectable, like working. When he doesn't answer they call me. And I answer, cause I have nothing better to do.
How do you un-clog a drain?
How do you hang a door? (paint it black, get some rope... errr...never mind)
How do you wire a socket? An outlet? A ceiling fan?
What happens when my kid throws up?
What kind of medicine do I give my eighty pound two year old with a 98.9 fever? - I don't know, Dexatrim? Your kids fat, try worrying about that instead of their notreallyafever-fever.
Should I let them watch Sesame street? There was some chick on who had boobs once and I don't know if that kind of imagery is right for my eleven year old. He's sensitive.
HOLY SHIT little baby got a splinter, what do I do? - I don't know, fucking PULL IT OUT. Never mind, that's what you should have done in the first place because your too fucking stupid to have kids!
Should I call the doctor now? How 'bout now? Now? NOW?
The same people who whispered about me being a fuck up now call me nightly for advice on their kids and help fixing their houses, cars, careers, relationships, and scared emotional psyches. They cry on my fucking shoulder (news flash - I DON'T GIVE A FUCK)  and tell me all about their dysfunctional families.

A little advice for new parents - These tips should help you out, they are the most common ailments, problems, and questions new parents face.

Just because little Timmy skinned his knee doesn't mean he needs a doctor. You got him so wrapped up in helmets, knee pads, elbow pads, mouth guards and bubble wrap he can't get hurt falling off his ten inch bike at the tremor-inducing speed of ONE. He isn't hurt. He probably needs some water though, all that bubble tape is blocking his pores and suffocating him.

Small fevers are OK, just not in REALLY young infants. Kids get sick, it happens If the fever persists for more than a day dunk them in icy water, submerging their head for at least five minutes. This kills the infection.
If I need to tell you that I am joking about that you REALLY need to commit suicide you stupid fuck.
Seriously, after the kids first fever you will know what your doctor recommends. Anything under 100 isn't really a fever.

Let your kids out of the house every once in awhile. No one likes fat pasty kids. They're kind of like plants; they need air and sunshine. Get jiggly thighs outside and teach him to ride a bike Which means you need to get off the couch you shitty example of humanity.

Don't be the over protective douche. Let junior get bullied, but talk to him and teach him how to defend himself. Let him know that fighting isn't the right thing to do, its the awesome thing to do. Seriously, look how famous Chuck Norris is, and he's 71 for fucks sake.
Teach your kids self confidence by allowing them to do things, correcting them when they are wrong and explaining things to them. Talk to them like adults and challenge them. Let them make mistakes and explain to them that NOT EVERYONE GETS A TROPHY.

Not everyone gets a trophy. If you suck you don't deserve one. If your team sucks it doesn't deserve one. Trophies mean a lot LESS when everyone gets one. If I am a natural athlete, which I am not, and a sport comes easily to me and I play and try real hard, then I deserve a trophy. Life isn't fair, and sometimes the kids with better genetics get the prize. Tough shit.
If I am a kid who tries really hard, works out and practices every single day, practices at home at my spare time and seeks out the help of the better kids to challenge me, which I am, then I deserve a trophy. I tried, I made myself better, and I helped my team.
If I am the fat kid who hangs out as far away from the team as possible and tries to skip out on the drills and gets mad when people say I suck and never tries to get better, and I haven't been that kid since second grade, but if I was then I wouldn't deserve the trophy. And guess what? When I was that kid I didn't get the trophy because I SUCKED.
And if you are the parent, and I certainly am not this douche, but if you are the parent who gives the coach shit because your kid doesn't play even though he sucks and skips practice and doesn't listen and avoids all the drills and workouts, then you should also commit suicide, something slow and painful like hanging yourself from your genitals with packaging twine  while a pack of sewer rats eats through your peanut butter smeared ass hole.

Kids need to be challenged and encouraged. They need to know that they are not perfect but will always be loved. They need to be told to do better, and to have their questions answered when they ask why. They need to be hugged when they don't get the trophy, and then they need a valid explanation as to why they didn't get the trophy. Then someone with skill and experience needs to help them so they can get better and EARN the trophy next year. They can't quit, they have to push through when things get hard.

Don't be the complainer. Don't bitch about the teachers and coaches and other kids just because everyone says there is a problem with your kid. Guess what? If EVERYONE thinks there is a problem with your kid, there probably isn't. The problem is you ass-hole, not being a proper parent and spoiling the little shit. Smack them every once in awhile when they do something wrong. They need to know there are consequences to their actions.

Oh, and this is a novel idea: talk to your kids. Really. Do that every night, find out shit about them, teach them shit about you.

And teach them that NOT EVERYONE GETS A FUCKING TROPHY. If we all did then trophies wouldn't mean shit. No one would try and we would all start to get weak and fat and lazy.
Oh shit, wait. That's already happened.